[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
You Might Also Like
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
#oldknees
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Who’s your best friend?
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem