My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
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WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Try and stop me.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
No, YOUR illiterate.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play