Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
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british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Personal question. #JustSaying
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.