Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
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I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
A wise man once said nothing.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.