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Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed