I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
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5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord