Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
You Might Also Like
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
True freaking story!
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.