Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
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🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.