Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
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The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
New Tinder profile.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises