My kitchen overserved me.
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After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
No one :
Me when I swimming :
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty