First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
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Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.