The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
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every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.