butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
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Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
brian had himself a morning…
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next