A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
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You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
how high up are we talkin’?
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs