My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
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Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked