My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
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My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Overindulged this afternoon.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix