I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Whoa 😂
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.