Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
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[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored