Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
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thinking about a very short hotdog
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
When news reporters do sports stories
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.