My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
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ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
I have many caverns
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Put a ring on it
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?