*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
You Might Also Like
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
When I said I liked it rough.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Stick it to the man
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.