Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
You Might Also Like
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.