My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
You Might Also Like
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
not to brag, but mine was free
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Oceanography is all about current events