Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
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Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
#SCOTUS one-star review
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.