“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
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People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
I have obtained a hat
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.