I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
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“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
he chose this
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?