Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
A dead goose is called a ghoost
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*