BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
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Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
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