Stop.
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If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples