Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
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*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!