I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
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As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
#dalle2
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.