Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
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*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Oh yeh? Explain this then
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”