*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
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It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean