[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
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Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
This is a sub tweet
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.