if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
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“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]