I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
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do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
My last name is Zilla.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.