yeah not falling for this one
You Might Also Like
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
I need better friends
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
pls suprot
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *