You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
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Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter: