last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
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Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Well, that didn’t work.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.