A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
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Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
spicy snake
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Haha! 😂
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide