Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
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3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Me trying to reach for my goals
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado