You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
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[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!