When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
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E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
I wish I were this cool 😂
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Planet of the Apps.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*