In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
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Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*