I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
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God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.