[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
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Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
My dryer is celebrating lint.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.