Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
You Might Also Like
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Got him!