My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
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finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Jupiter
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Husband of the year 😂
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien