if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
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if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.