Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
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I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
They got Raph!
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.